yourplayersaidwhat:

(So the players are going to an agricultural town, and on the way pass fields of a purple fruit they’ve never seen before)

(After the Wizard makes a medium nature check)
DM: So this is a fruit called a shimmer pear; it’s purple and people enjoy eating it in the winter because it warms them, but you can’t remember one more thing about it.

Rogue: it’s probably poisonous, right?

Wizard: Probably. We should just-

Fighter: Screw it. I eat one.

DM: Alright! Make a Con saving throw
(he fails)
DM: Ok so you fall to the ground, unconscious and poisoned.

Rogue: Seriously? I told you!

Wizard: Let’s be poisoned together! I eat one too!

DM: Ok then?
(Wizard then proceeds to roll a nat 20 on his saving throw)
DM: (while laughing) So you, Wizard, find the fruit incredibly delicious and eat a few as you watch your friend froth at the mouth on the ground.

Wizard: Perfect!

sweetmemory221:

thorinobsessed:

elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey:

austin-n-oli:

l-ibellule:

austin-n-oli:

Confession: I have a friend who likes to text me at like 4am when he’s had nightmares or he can’t sleep or he just needs a friend. He thinks I’m always awake at 4am but really I go to bed around 12am and I change his text-tone to the loudest one I have just so it wakes me up when he needs me.

you’re the kind of friend everyone needs

I think that since its been a year since I made this post its time for an update. In the past year I’ve watched this post grow and grow, people I work with have told me about it as “this post I saw the other day” and they have no idea it’s my post. The person I wrote this about has even reblogged it. He is no longer texting me at 4am. Not because we no longer speak but because the nightmares have stopped. He and I both are in a much better place. Most often the only times he’s waking me up at 4am is when he’s pulling me closer to him while we sleep. He’s more than a friend now and I’m forever thankful to have him. Everyone messaged me saying he was lucky to have me but I think I was just as lucky to have him and I would do it all over.

this is the kind of SHIT I LIVE FOR

that is the quality content I want to see on the internet!!

❤️

prompt-bank:

Repost this. Followers/Readers send numbers to your Ask. You write a fic/drabble using that line in your piece. Have fun! Expect a ton of requests!! 

1. “That’s starting to get annoying”
2. “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
3. “You can’t just sit there all day.”
4. “I’m too sober for this.”
5. “I’m not here to make friends.”
6. “I need a place to stay.”
7. “Well, that’s tragic.”
8. “You’re seriously like a man-child.”
9. “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”
10. “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”
11. “Dear Diary, …”
12. “She’s hiding behind the sofa.”
13. “I lost our baby.”
14. “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”
15. “I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”
16. “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”
17. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
18. “What’s the matter, sweetie?”
19. “You’re Satan.”
20. “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”
21. “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”
22. “Did you just hiss at me?”
23. “Do you really need all that candy?”
24. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”
25. “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”
26. “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”
27. “No. Regrets.”
28. “How drunk was I?”
29. “How is my wife more badass than me?”
30. “Be you. No one else can.”
31. “I haven’t slept in ages.”
32. “I locked the keys in the car.”
33. “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”
34. “You work for me. You are my slave.”
35. “Take your medicine.”
36. “They’re monsters.”
37. “Welcome to fatherhood.”
38. “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”
39. “It’s your turn to make dinner.”
40. “The kids, they ambushed me.”
41. “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”
42. “Stop being so cute.”
43. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
44. “You need to see a doctor.”
45. “You’re getting a vasectomy. That’s final.”
46. “I was a joke, baby. I swear.”
47. “Dogs don’t wear clothes!”
48. “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic…”
49. “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”
50. “This is girl talk, so leave.”
51. “Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”
52. “There’s a herd of them!”
53. “Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”
54. “They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.”
55. “You’re a nerd.”
56. “I’m late.”
57. “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?!”
58. “You smell like a wet dog.”
59. “I could punch you right now.”
60. “Are you going to talk to me?”
61. “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”
62. “If you can’t sleep…we could have sex?”
63. “Flea markets don’t carry fleas, you know?”
64. “Here, take my blanket.”
65. “I don’t want you to stop.”
66. “How could I ever forget about you?”
67. “You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”
68. “Run for it!”
69. “We need to talk.”
70. “Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”
71. “I want a pet.”
72. “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”
73. “I’m not wearing a dress.”
74. “I’m not wearing a tie.”
75. “Quit beating me up!”
76. “Please put your penis away.”
77. “It’s a Texas thing.”
78. “Don’t argue. Just do it.”
79. “I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”
80. “Does he know about the baby?”
81. “Hold still.”
82. “I just ironed these pants!”
83. “Enough with the sass!”
84. “Show me what’s behind your back.”
85. “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”
86. “Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry.”
87. “Stay awake.”
88. “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”
89. “You’re not interested, are you?”
90. “I’m not buying ikea furniture again.”
91. “Tell me you need me.”
92. “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”
93. “I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”
94. “I had a bad dream again.”
95. “Have I mentioned, I fucking hate Halloween.”
96. “It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”
97. “You’re not going to starve yourself on Thanksgiving.”
98. “The store ran out of Easter eggs.”
99. “How could you forget your son’s birthday?”
100. “You can only suffer through my whining for so long until you get up and make me a sandwich.”

Visit @prompt-bank for more prompts!!

hiddenpolkadots:

alrightevans:

i hope harry took full advantage of being able 2 say he literally died and came back 2 life to save the wizarding world like *has to queue for ten minutes outside the ministry entrance to get into work* ‘i did not die for this’ *hermione is nagging him for some paper work* ‘i already literally died for the wizarding world hermione is that not enough’  *draco makes a smug comment in the corridor* ‘shut up malfoy i died for your sins’ 

harry james potter, saviour of the wizarding world:

modernincorrectlotrhobbit:

Gandalf: Why shouldn’t you put a toaster in a bathtub full of water?

Kili: Because then the toast would get all soggy?!

The Rest of the Company: *cheering*

Gandalf: *facepalms*

jilylicious:

[during a usual stare down]

Draco: Well well well… Potter

Harry: Malfoy

Neville: *waves hand* Neville