lunarferocity:

sixpenceee:

Oh Shit

By reddit user u/ByfelsDisciple

“I have your eight-year-old son tied up next to me. Do exactly as I instruct, or I will slowly remove all of his skin with a potato peeler.”

I suddenly didn’t give a shit about my Pumpkin Spice Latte, and I dazedly backed away from the counter without retrieving my credit card.

“Daddy!” Oliver screamed from the other end of the line.

A parent knows how to discern each type of his child’s scream.

This one was “genuine terror.”

It was all I could do to keep the phone from tumbling out of my trembling hand. “What do you want from me?” My body rattled; I had unknowingly backed up against the wall.

Keep reading

This is so goddamned good

openbookbells:

Somewhere along the line Bella Swan must have misread “ride or die” as “ride AND die”. 

She’ll be like “I will sacrifice my life for Edward right here right this instant immediately with no regrets” 

“Nobody’s asking you to do that?”

“Doesn’t matter” 

breakingisabella:

twilightmidnightsuns:

Ok consider this: The Twilight Saga, and everything is the exact same, except in the first book Bella actually hits Edward’s car bc she was so frustrated at him

okay but you know that once she realised he was indestructible she just did things like this all the time like

edward standing in front of bella’s car: bella you can’t go and see jacob. i forbid it.

bella with her foot on the gas pedal: fucking watch me bitch