Ask and ye shall recieve (ALL OF THE THINGS, THE FLOODGATES HAVE OPENED).

corvidprompts:

Is it wrong? Yes. Am I going to do it anyway? Also yes.
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“That is but a paragraph in the novel of my life, and believe me, just about all of it is either straight up tragedy or the sort of humor that results from tragic stuff overplaying itself.”
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“WHAT I LACK IN HEIGHT I MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR IN LUNG CAPACITY AND RAGE!”
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“You know how people say ‘you walked right into that one’?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that was you driving a eighteen wheeler into a brick wall.
‘fshwweee chrunch, ckranch krump’.”
“Yes, yes, thank you for the sound effects.”
“’fwomp’”
“And what was that one?”
“Your trainwreck evolving into a dumpster fire. The fire department will not arrive in time to salvage your dignity.”
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“Marry me so that we can combine our powers and have loads of legally dubious fun.”

Do I look like someone people give an active damn about?

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“He’d be fine. In theory.”
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“I’m a thug, but I’m a fashionable thug.”
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Well, that was one way to fail a roguelike.
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“Alright, forget hiding. We might want to start running now.”

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“I’ve got a fine selection of bad ideas to choose from.”
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“Same drill as usual. Save the world, ruin everything.”
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“Is… is that a Sonic Screwdriver Flashlight?”

“It’s underwhelming, but it does make me feel kind of cool when I have to go down and flip the fuse box. Until a spider lands on me and the screaming starts.”

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“IT’S LIKE YOU ONLY HAVE TWO SPEEDS; ZERO AND SIXTY! YOU DROP BOMBS EVERY TIME I ARGUE WITH YOU!”
“IT’S TRUE! I’M LIKE GANDHI IN THE CIVILIZATION GAMES!”
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If you’re meeting someone new, ‘who’s this bitch’ shouldn’t be the first words out of your mouth.
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“I like how you thought ‘reasonable response’ and then came to me.”

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He has all the internal inspiration of a mothball.

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“Fair warning; I bite. Might want to check if your shots are up to date.”

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“I’m assuming that you’re leading up to a story so I’m going to withhold on the immediate sarcastic reply.”

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“What would improve your situation?”
“Death. Maybe garlic bread.”

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“What is it?”
“Beyond the rather broad category of ‘evil’, I don’t know.”

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Soon I will achieve my ultimate form. Based on my personality, it will probably be some form of cactus.
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I think you sneezed and all the self-awareness of how shitty you can be fell out.
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Rhubarb is like hell’s celery. There is literally no happiness in this plant. No reason for its being.

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“Watch me give a shi-eep. Sheep. Watch me give a sheep.”
“That’s not the word you were going to say.”
“No, but that’s the word you’re going to hear.”

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“Shh. I live here now.”
“With your face pressed into my chest?”
“Yes.”

–

Two characters are observing a toad.

“It’s a toad.”
“I can see that,” [B] said as they moved to pick it up.
“It’s gonna pee on you,” [A] warned.
“No it wo-” They cut off as a warm, wet, and sticky sensation ran across their hands.

[A] grinned. “I ‘toad’ you so.”

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“Well, if we’d run into that one, I would have thrown them off the nearest cliff to find out if [x] really can fly.”
“And if they could?”
“Skeet shooting practice.”

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She made a noise not unlike that of a yak being swallowed by a sinkhole. Given the context, it might have been an involuntary laugh.

–

“This man, this moron.”